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the place was wild with normal, regular seeming people and all staring fluoridated and lying on the ground eating chips. i was lost, i felt stupid, i wanted to die, wondering how to get through into this glass room when an attendant caught my attention from the other side, mouthing “over there,” but all i could wonder about is how she could differentiate me from all these other meandering, lonely souls.

i sit in the computer lab where a quiet looking guy did mindless things on the internet next to me as all of out there, including my life, darkens into some unpleasant place that i am forever going to stay, not one person like me, just sitting here and watching the screen of a stranger for some time openly wondering about him and, idk, it didn't feel weird since mainly i was very depressed and mostly, also very lonely in my head all the time and i never really talked about this with anyone because i thought, “well, since no one has ever helped in the past why would they start now,” and so sitting near this guy seemed fine in so much that it was something happening to me in the present moment.

it feels like i walk around and can never be anything, no matter how hard i try. the whole world seems so fake sometimes, i hate it here and being alive. it's like i'm living someone else's life, and that person is full of sincere emotions and feeling all this stuff all the time with other sincere people, and i’m just twiddling my thumbs the whole time. man, better go outside and try not to think about it.

“where you going?” the guy asks. “i don’t know.” “can you get me something on your way?” “can you give me money?” “sure.” “thanks.” “i just want an arizona.” “okay.”

very nice night tonight, if a little damp. makes me wish i was more like other people, maybe then people wouldn't treat me the way they do. if i was smaller i would sleep inside a cabinet dresser drawer or on my shelf, so I could feel safe and not have to understand anything. then i could look at the whole world from my head and nobody would have to think about me again. 

when i get back to the lab, he’s gone but his screen is still on mohamed atta's wiki page so i assume he’s just in the bathroom or something, and i look out the window, at my community college’s parking lot, and how it’s only 5pm but the sun wants nothing to do with me, and i’m stuck here in this town feeling nothing. “honey green tea is my favorite, thanks.” i turn around, “no problem.”