ttm

 

my best friend’s girlfriend who hates me heard from the groupchat about me living in a cell-like room, ghosted by a longterm partner, sleeping on a pile of clothes and bought me an air mattress one morning

barefoot down my walkup that smells like grandparents to where the outside everybody was making little NPC noises to the start of their days, i throw three twenties through her passenger side window, ask her about her plans for the day and she responds smiling, addicted to adderall and i dissociatives

in a dustified borough of america i blow up my bed and look out my window at the question of why love, live life, or anything when god, idk, the pain and fuck of all things, how much of it stays, etc.

humans die and while okay i miss you, also i'm sorry for never repaying for your fare ticket but what this life brought, and what it did to me, while once was happening is still here with me, meanwhile you not

highly caffeinated in my bedroom at 12:25 AM not feeling good, absolute dread reckoning upon us, maybe i'll go on a walk as that is something that god would want, me not sitting in my room masturbating

"i just need to clear my thoughts, i mean head," but then there was a sharp pinging twinge and the sky turned into something it was not, i stepped on dog poop and soca music banged from boomboxes of the neighboring garage where some dads were chilling

"the boy wants a game!" "let 'em play ya, barry!" they sit me down on a plastic chair with the board over an upturned cement bucket, open king's indian to impress with a quick succession, after that i just gave straight forward responses, pawn c3 to discourage the pony, "the boy has him served hot!" "barry’s wondering something," then barry gave a grin and i knew it’s another learning experience

woke up feeling i feel like a total loser today but who cares, no one should need to live or people should have nothing to live for, still i want to fill my life with too many things and see nothing, i eat an apple and feel nothing, it just feels like people too easily forget that this all real for me

i've noticed people always talking in words, birds walking with wings and very domineering energy from this grocer sharing the aisle with me, my obstacle to cat litter but my cat must poop in comfort

did you own one too, watching you be alone and not understanding?

all of these are only moments, just moments, all of it, all these periods of past to get lost in, but none of them are me, really for real me

went over to amara in bleak overcast style, sort of stopped to look at things in the park where i kind of just look at stuff and didn't care about being alive or feel anything then something — it’s all i could imagine, my whole life and everything, could it ever happen?

i don’t know, but every day i wonder