ELOR

i’m the last person alive on earth bro... and now my life for my whole life... everyday... for the rest of time... will be like this

there was a cataclysmic event that redefined life... for americans.... and.... non-americans... everywhere

parties... were never the same again

everyone hated to make a decision so much and wished they were never even born for a while...

i just thought, "everyone is so alive...," to myself... like... how? how could i think that... and felt it so strongly in me... that i had to share this... with others... anyone who would listen... but no one was there... except... me

i remember on wikipedia... it said israel was going to hell... and horses had such big heads... i took it all for granted...

i felt... like i wasn’t needing to feel anything at all... and felt worried and so... clueless... i loved it so much... how much i used to be there...

i know i will never forget this... and now... i’ll be over all of it all once and for all... when once... there was unspecified shrubbery... all around us while under... where there was a small body of water... flowing with cool... white refractions... that felt ideologically radical...

that was... actually... something that happened to me...

i don’t think you fully... understand...

it changed my life... and i'm serious when i said... that i've never lied before...

after everyone was gone... there was some people left... but they eventually left... too...

this could have been any other day... where nothing happened to me... but it was... anything butt...

when there was people... at the time... no one predicted it would be me... and that i would be here... hoping for something else...

in fact... they were betting it wouldn't be me... and that it would be someone that the literary community has in... well regards... like blake butler... or ben fama...

poets suck so much... they’re... pretty... much... the worst... none have exist except tried to ruin my... life...

i spent... an eternity... left on read...

one time... someone looked at me from across a rectangular block... and i was so done with it all that i thought... “i can’t wait to feel something again,” but actually... i felt so much... that i kind of wanted to give up... but nah...

inb4 i do give up...

i used to be solicited for anthologies by small presses... now... no one else exists... except me...

so now i will finally... address the reader reading this... with this: that under past photons... that presently illuminate us for the purpose of... navigation... that i will not be finishing this sentence... but because... while i looked at the back... of your face... and for reasons why... no one respects my prose... i felt so... unaware... of my life at that time... it seems...

i wish i could just go back to that time... and not know... what to do again...

this is a reason why i don’t bother... with trying to explain... this to anyone...

it’s... raining and i don’t think it’s symbolism anymore, it’s real...

i can’t tell you... what this story means to me... but it can... and does... and so do i...

i am actyually banned from all social media due to my extreme ideaologies

 this was going to be a substack but i dont want it there

 --

i just realized i have like two other accounts on substack that i have sometimes been accidentally posting to

theooo.substack.com and theoooeooo.substack.com but i like this one because it’s just theo.substack.com

a major win for those with the vision to see

i would like to take a brief silence for the genocide in palestine now before continuing with this blogpost:

















[…]










… may allah swt bless them all





















[…]







ameen


so if u actually go on my other substack i posted ai generated content that predicted the rise and fall of mike crumpler, my catchphrase for him “you can’t dump the crump” also proved to be ironic as we all readily did and he is now retiring from public life, may allah guide him

it’s only fair, since i am banned from all relevant social media, and don’t know how to use the internet to mention crumps on substack as he is single handily has made this website bad

and i am only writing this blog post because i am incredibly unsure of what to do with my spare time now when not actively attempting to ruin my own life

but i also bring up crumps and his more handsome yet more fake british version dean kissick , or whom i like to call dean “kiss kiss” as we all know what it took for him to get to where he is today are to blame for my getting banned on twitter

either that or i do believe it is dril who is  a not funny person who is popular on twitter and whos book sales are worse than something that is not even a book who blocked me for no reason some recent time before my getting banned

i talk about it in a three hour podcast

and yes i was banned for a specific tweet i made but i will not be disclosing exactly what it did say to the general public as it is a matter of national security at the moment

but rest assured elon is a fraud and twitter is no place for real free speech

i am interested in releasing another small poetry ebook soon but i dont think the internet archive is going to be publishing me again any time soon

i also am making moves in lasagna in regards to major real book trauma in metro

and i have a realer new book that i will be talking about soon and might actually be getting an agent for because i am ready to sell out in a cool way

i miss my internet friends

i used to spend 10 hours a day on twitter, it was a good life

now i barely have time to even smoke weed but i am currently listening to jack johnson at my writing spot in tribeca :) i am grateful despite of this great turmoil in the world

so where should i upload this next poetry chapbook ebook? idk or should i even keep updating my blog? the domain is costing me a fortune

maybe i should just upload to instagram or hmmm how HOW idk i can’t even download apps because i have no debit card and i am so broke and in a lot of debt :/

remember scribd? i used to have alot of ebooks on there

i’m giving up on this blogpost i guess

major world update

 

please accept the fact that

i don't know why 

i am going to do this

i just am real

and for real god be

god be witness to that

9/15/18

I feel happy just like how you love me

When I’m alone I don’t feel alone because I know you

and when I smile I also laugh because my smile reminds me of funny things you’ve done

You remind me that I don’t know you because you’re weird and I like you

You don’t know when you’re being mean because you like me so much

When we’re together in public what may be considered normal activities in most contexts now feels absurd

I want you to change me so as to gain some of your personality traits

In return I plan on impacting your life in a positive manner

I have some experience in this field beforehand

I hope it's okay to write poetry and be in love when ur dead, I care about this because it will affect us

You make me forget what regret is

Maybe the reason I'm sad is because not everyone is you

paradoxically, you make me more like myself

This will probably make more sense when I get older

I can't tell if my perspective of the world has changed or if the world has objectively improved

It's hard to believe we know how we will affect each other

to my friends and family on my highly scrutinized social media feed, hear the words from my mouth: the rumors are true, I hold a personal set of values and beliefs.

my face after misgendering my girlfriend again

 
but bro she's cis bro
on god
and used to be theythem 
and misgendering me bc i can't drive
or don't own a house
i'm literally 12
alhamdullilah 

deleting system_32

 

pray tell how we come to terms of service
when i just want the need to be proven wrong
so either display that there is no world here
or become apart of that is which is alot

i beliebed so much on one time i forgot,
thought my life was the way for reasons,
found you not hiding somehow there unobstructed,
now i'm forever alone and asking if i smell good

theythem being only pictures in my head
which stars wished therethen on my behalf
when i just wanted to watch you use ur phone
sending someone memes from across the room

earth problem

 

arrive to a goodbye under familiar volition
distracted and uncomfortable between shifting crusts and a thin layer of ozone
we are under constant bicuriousity in this life
reading youtube comments about mars and feeling poor yet some turn to a funny caption

gooogle.com

 (originally published on electric cereal now defunct c. 2014)

Hi, My name is Theo and I’m a 19 year old writer living in Brooklyn! :) I came up with this story about having friends while I was on my rooftop and it’s good, and I think you’ll love it, but anyway let me say this, I’m not just talking about relationships here. Try to disassociate things from one another, think about how differences can connect things, and please just don't be ashamed of existing anymore. No matter how wrong people say your existence is, it just isn’t, OK? I hate watching you cry in front of your webcam. You don’t believe you deserve to be happy, but you do. Everyone makes mistakes, that doesn’t make them a bad person.

Nathan Masserang is lying outside on the morning grass like a bright pair of pants, feeling expensive and comfortable, messaging Paul Rizza on Facebook Messenger.

“Theo is so cool,” Nathan says.
“I think he’s very, very cool,” Paul replies. “Strange and carefree, like a big mystery.”
“I think he is just good, like objectively a good person, and I’m very lucky to be his friend and I really consider him a friend.”
“I do too, I want to spend more time with him online.” 

Nathan agrees with Paul, noticing the new shining colors in his phone. Paul sends nathan a Pusheen sticker. Facebook stickers are illustrations or animations of characters that you can send to friends. They’re a great way to share how you’re feeling and add personality to your chats. It's an internet postcard that is sent from one online user to another, something to enjoy yourself with, a small moment of instant gratification, sometimes relief, or to feel comfortable with. 

Paul mentions to Nathan how the world can seem glimmering at times, bright and expensive like pants.
Scott Krave sends Bob Schofield a Snapchat of a small rainbow that formed over the mist of his garden hose. It’s a small piece of everything, floating in colors somewhere in the air, and maybe it isn’t really there, but it is because we can see it but, I don’t know, I don’t really know how rainbows work but I still like writing about them because they make people happy.

“What makes Theo a Theo?” The snapchat says, disappearing in seconds like, well a rainbow I guess, or like, I don't know, an unimportant memory, maybe?

A girl who secretly has a crush on Theo searches his name on Youtube and watches videos of him reading poetry. She thinks he acts cute, and has a goofy voice but also, he still seems very intelligent too, and good looking, and with a great sense of humor too. Maybe she will message Theo later to flirt with him in a nonconfrontational way.

What does make Theo a Theo? Is it a thing like rainbows, or like pants? Paul wonders if he is a little Theo, and Anthony Peregrine text messages Amy Saul-Zerby late at night, vaguely mentioning Theo in a comforting way, and Stephen Michael Mcdowell messages Stephen Tully Dierks, “I can’t stop reading Theo’s stuff.” John Mortara Kiks James Ganas, “Did you catch Theo’s new story on Electric Cereal?”
“Of course I did.”

Nathan messages Paul like how you would slide letters under a door, and he feels like a Theo, at least I think he feels like a Theo. I’m not sure, and Paul seems confused too. He googles Theo’s name and suddenly it’s all there.
 

Love In The Time Of Art Basel

(this b an earlier version of another story i later published of similar title, c. 2016.)

 

after the afterparty, I’m outside waiting for an Uber when I take a break from my phone to glance at the sky. Oh moon, you big rock, just floating there. I forget how close we are until I notice you alone. Last week, I get a couple hours of sleep before work where I polish glasses and reevaluate my life.

Ugh, I think to myself, I don't care! It's amazing how little I care! I don't want to be doing any of this right now. If I could, I would write anything, it doesn't matter what, as long as it’s not this.

Back in the present moment, I’m nearing my destination when the Uber driver days, “I look around and everyone seems happy.”

“They look like something,” I say, grinning mischievously at the purposeful meaningless of my response.

Tomorrow is my birthday and we’re traveling back from South Beach when our van breaks down in the highway. I just turned 21, I think to myself, I can’t die now. Feeling misgendered when the group asks me to check underneath the car, Jackie starts laughing when I take selfies on top of the traffic barrier.

We push the van into the parking lot of a Taco Bell.

It starts to rain and makes me think.

Taking in the helplessness of our situation, perhaps applying it to existence in general, Jackie and I sit side by side against the fast food chain’s exterior.

“Brothers, sisters?” I ask. “Two,” Jackie says, “you?” “One.” “Older?” “He’s,” I pause, “24 I think.” “Do you like your parents?” I ask. “No,” they say, “you?” I shrug. “Did you have friends growing up,” I ask. “No,” they say, “you?” “No.” “I can do this,” they say, squatting with one leg extended. “Holy shit,” I say. “Do you ever feel like a boy?” They ask. “I’ve never felt like anything I think,” I say, “except sad when someone told me I wasn’t something else, maybe.” “I think,” Jackie says, the subject becoming irrelevant, “I hate feeling like I have to describe my feelings.” I don’t know if this is temporary,” I say, “or if it’s forever.” “Everything is flat,” Jackie says, “just flat, people look flat and everything, it’s like,” they place their hands in front of their face, “everything feels like I’m trying to stop something from happening.” We actively hold back tears, in part because we can’t find a reason to cry. “It’s not real,” I say, “I know it’s not real but this is all there is anyway.”

On 4/20 I wait in line at the weed dispensary before meeting up with Victoria for coffee.

Hungover albeit purchasing a latte, I sit at an outdoor table and take my first sip of the morning.

“Mmmmm,” I speak, “coffee, I love you, your beans, give me all your hope and anxiety.”

Victoria finds this humorous.

After Thai, She wraps her leftovers in the hopes of finding a panhandler on our walk home while I begin openly rolling a spliff and ask about her significant other.

She tells me that she can’t be with someone who makes her feel useless and stupid all the time, and we drive to the other end of town and drink boxed wine in a field.

Basking drunkenly in warm sun, we observe a dog and their guardian a number of meters away.

“That stupid man,” Victoria says, “he’s setting up cones when all his dog wants is to play.”

“I hate him,” I say.

“The cones don’t even mean anything,” she says, “they’re just plastic, it’s not like, they’re not anything, it’s just…”

Victoria’s eye widen, her curious smile becoming more perverse.

After the poetry reading, we note a reader with his entire right arm tattooed black, something Victoria is quick to remark of its parallels with blackface.

The reader then makes a generalization about the country of Jordan which Victoria asks him to elaborate on as me and Kiki watch with tense excitement.

In contrast, after karaoke that night, I roll around the grass with Kiki to the enjoyment of the locals.

We get in the car where Victoria audibly calms herself as she prepares to drunk drive.

“I know you think this is stupid,” she says.

“It’s stupid but I don’t care,” I say.

I fight nausea as Victoria tells me how she appreciates our friendship, and how much I mean to her.

I throw up thrice on our way home.

In bed, Katie counts sheep while I think about Kiki.

I wonder if she’s thinking about me, she probably is.

After sleeping in, I roll out of bed and let Victoria’s pets wake me with their company.

I take a lukewarm shower and roll my first spliff of the morning.

Walking down the sidewalk, I let the foliage around mingle with my fingers.
I think of how each interaction with the plants go.

I could do this forever, I think to myself.

I could live in Portland for the rest of my life if I never wanted to accomplish anything.

That evening, Victoria and I go to the cinema and watch a film about an old couple.

In the end, the husband dies.

I tell Victoria how I feel the story was poorly written, until she informs me that the film was in fact, a documentary.

Walking around, nothing to do, feeling imperfect in an ok sort of way c.2016

 

I can’t believe anything that has happened.
Whoever loves me is how many sunsets I have left 

Parachuting molly in Washington Sq. Park, me and Audrey don’t care about being alive, as if we were born one second ago. “That’s the thing about the moon,” Audrey says, “if I wanted to, nothing could stop me from going there.” She watches me rub grass. “It’s fine you never pay attention,” she says.

“The moon,” I say.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Jesus, it’s like a blanket,” I say, “the atmosphere is like a blanket.”

Feeling not high enough, me and Audrey go back home to insufflate more MDMA where she asks about my first memory. “A picnic,” I say, “with my mom and someone else, I don’t remember.” “Stupid,” she says. I display a disconcerted facial expression. “Stupid memories,” she says to herself, “they don’t mean anything to anyone.”

phone notes c.2014-2016

 

May 2
alarm I don't remember ever setting goes off around 3:30PM everyday and plays notably quiet, melancholy piano instrumental
while high today, alarm goes off per usual & I begin to worry that maybe like, somehow it's a sign of another world/like the matrix/my mind attempting to wake myself from coma
calm down thinking about how it could change whenever, but  just don't feel like it right now

May 12
Why can’t I be mean w/o being a man

May 6
wave at landlord, who waves too closing his door after his bf steps inside
these people I live with, chose me to live with/to be w me
i get my chia i think about my steps
this happy comes always when u dont know why

May 11
god loves me its true
sometimes i think i am god

May 12
Rich ppl don’t exist

May 4
today I found love under a rock
currently interested in stars
poetry gets me into trouble

April 30
☐ Clean room
☐ Write
☐ Buy ticket
☐ Pack
☐ 8pm - reading
☐ Jayinee party
☐ Sarah party
☑ Make key copies
☑ Buy blanket
☑ Get check?

May 6
Theory: cuddling, the calm, womb-like feeling, bc FOV on SOs chest/shoulder/head/toes of their bodies contours “trick” POV to looking at farm/ expansive vista/sky & cloud

March 17
Noticing the sun, thoughts go,

March 2
Aimless life leading somewhere

March 9
Fireflies spark air over shubbery
Walking around surrounding residential area

Dec 26
surprised by myself.

Dec 15
I wish relaxation was something I could ingest.

Jan 8
"You're sad," she says.
"Maybe."
"Don't be sad."
"I don't think I know how."
"Like this," she makes a funny face.

Sep 14
I answer the phone
hello
hi
pause
hello

Sep 13
you can do it, you can do it, and don't let anyone tell you whatever is dumb

Sep 4
At the park, the far away people seemakm.   , like miniature toys. 1
They 1qqqqq1

Nov 30
"You need god in your life."
"I need a job.”
"God can help you get one."
"I'd rather just not need a job."

Nov 11
I want to die so bad even though life is so great.
Life is so great and I want to die so bad.
I want to die so bad even though life is so great.
I love life so much, I just to want to die.

July 29
I wake up to the singing of Kiwi's text.
"Sunshine," she writes
"☀🌈⛅"
an emoji from Kiwi
I remember talking on the phone

Aug 27
I'm so happy ☺
I didn't get to do anything today
I wish this was everyday
I don't even care what people think
It seems dumb that things happen
Change feels like a waste of time
idk, follow your heart lmao
Laughing so hard
I email paul an image of bread
Walking around the neighborhood,

Aug 25
So this is it
I've resorted to writing poetry
Where did it go wrong
Ugh in love what terrible stuff

Aug 17
Can't believe I used to be me.
I was so different before now.
It's like I keep forgetting something.
It kind of feels like to be me accepting all the time

July 28
I hate this
We're just trying too hard

Jun 16
Flying over Salt Lake City, wonder if the large, seemingly shrinking lake nearby is Salt Lake, Lake Salt, or Salt Lake City Lake
feels uncontrollable more variations of lake, salt, and city, eventually mixing together whatever Spanish I know, e.g. Lake de Salt City

July 11
I feel like I could be naked forever

Apr 30
From landscape to eating ice cream on curb

Jan 26
Lisa walks quikly
Theo jayqalls to meet het
The said somethijg offense
She says to not touch her
Theo immediately starts to cry

May 18th
When's the last time you bought something from someone looking like this?

Feb 14
This is my life, now imagine all the ways it could go wrong because it does

Jan 26
Have a character express concern over theos drug use

Jan 25
My cat wakes me up by knocking over a glass from the desk, shattering it.
He jumps down and starts to pur while rubbing his body against the shards.
I say "omg Smirnoff" and pick him up and start to clean up the glass but I cut myself and then my landlord knocks on my door.
"Theo."
"Yes?"
"Did you eat spaghetti last night."
"Yes, I did."
"What is this?"
He's holding a jar of ragu.
"That looks like Spaghetti sauce."
"You can not just throw this away you know. You need to recycle this."
"Oh, I just assumed it was glass so..."
"You recycle glass."
"Oh, I didn't know that."
"In ur email when u first moved here u said u care about the environment..."
"Yeah I just forgot about glass"
"r u bleeding?"
"Yes my cat was playing in glass"
 
Feb 6
☐ How do I act when I’m around you
☐ What were ur first impressions
☐ How do you think I perceive myself
☐ What do you think is the best thing about me
☐ What do you think is wrong w me
☐ What are your thoughts on my intellect
☐ What should I do differently

June 16
Feeling weight shift in the airplane, tapping the small screen on back of chair in front of me for flight data, taking note of the altitude and wondering if screen auto-updated or required me to manually refresh
After attempting to refresh and not getting any updates, rest my hand over mouth in presidential manner,
staring intently for new info when woman beside me laughs at the movie she watches, but I associate her laughter towards me and found me to be hilarious, and we both laugh to ourselves

June 4
facebook sticker of cat saying "I've seen this already"
facebook sticker of wombat w sunglasses saying "how did we become friends"
facebook sticker, dung beetle saying "check out my soundcloud"

May 26
There's something beautiful happening in me, something about how I look or how I am, the things I do makes the people around me happy, it makes me happy. I've never felt more emotionally available in my whole life.

May 21
While throwing up in the subway, the couple in front of me, dressed in sweatpants and hoodies, looked high on benzos. Made me nostalgic of my ex.

May 31
Ppl spinning while talking about their fav places

Feb 27
Drumming and cheers stretch across eighth avenue.
Protestors hold up signs, "BROKEN SYSTEM," "KILLER COPS."
Police officers stand behind street barriers as they're photograph for social media.
"[Something] send those killer cops to jail!"
From the lobby of the New School, I see Laura sketching in her book.
I climb over the barrier and tap on the window pane.
"Laura, I'm here!"
She smiles, moves towards the front door.
"Laura," as the door opens, "I'm here."
"I see that and I'm very proud of you," she says.
"Yeah, I thought I'd take your advice."
"And, is it making you feel a kind of way?"
"Yeah, I really feel like I care!"
Someone throws confetti from a third story window.

Feb 16
Wow, he's flying a kite. He's thinking about if whether or not guess who is thinking about him.
He doesn't know if he and she really get along, but he likes her anyway and he's sure that he knows for sure that he thinks she's, well, okay, and different seeming at least at first glance and that maybe he will like her more later.
She's blowing bubbles on the beach and a sunset. She's feeling differently about him now then she probably felt about him before. She has always said to people like Pete how she has always felt she had trouble remembering exactly how she felt about all the things that have not happened in the present. Who does she think she is, she thinks to herself, and was that me
Later, he climbs through his window.and his house

Feb 20
I'm thinking about whether or not guess who is thinking about me when she, all of a sudden, texts me, out of the blue, just like in the movies, "Any plans for tonight?"
Yes, I believe this might be what the Hollywood executives call a ***, a sudden action presented to carry the plot forward. It's this unpercievable force that shows itself to you when you're most ready.
Lets breathe for a moment, and take account of our surroundings. Plans? Why would I have plans? What day is it? It must be friday why else would Annie ask. That means, for those of you unfamiliar with my lifestyle, ive spent the last 4 days in my dark, windowless room, getting up only to defecate and feed my cat. I stay in this hybrid-meditative state for days on end.

Dec 20
standing, smiling, breathing, agreeing to this level of intimacy, feeling content re relationship, no need to proceed, if even possible, or even occurred to us

Dec 17
I start off, first of all, by apologizing not only for inviting him to the show but for being his friend at all, for us even liking each other, I'm sorry for just having similar interests with Trevor, and if I could somehow let him have all of these interests by sacrificing mine, I would in a heart beat. I tell him, that I obviously did not know his exgirlfriend would be at the show, if I even knew he ever had a romantic relationship with someone, I would have made sure to check every music venue for Trevor's exes before inviting him. In fact, it makes sense to me now that obviously you would have similar interests with your exgirlfriend so of course it would be more likely that she attend shows that befall under our set of interests, and that when inviting you to something that interests you I should be even more aware to look for any exgirlfroends in the crowd

Nov 5
oh my god, i swear to god he slammed the door on me! I was like what the fuck, i dont even know what that was all about

Nov 2
Theo talks on a boat with tod
Theo smokes weed
Tod tells a girl  friend at a party he has a crush on theo
"Thats okay!"
They take a selfie together smoking weed
Theo wishes they had two bluntz. For the photo
Someone at a party shows tod pictures of dead people
Tod is emotionally unphased.

Oct 12
A persons plane emergency stops when someone on board continued to shout bomb over and over

Oct 2
I combust and die
My death causes two facebook friends grief, one finds themselves seeking more of a connection when the other focuses on his phone
The one seeking con. is a they/them and puts a dress on in the summer time
The othrt os typing "reality" on facebook

Sep 9
it feels very healthy to kind of agree that certain things dont make sense, and to stop putting effort in believing or understanding them

Aug 22
We are just things that aren’t really there yet

Aug 20
Todd, talks about internet, america, takes adderall at party, fisherman comparison and home and studio comparison, takes shrooms and molly and flirts and tries to get in touch w drug dealer

essay i was made to write in community college, 9.12.12

 

      I'm unsure how honest I want to be in this essay. I think for the sake of reaching the 1,250 word count I'll be able to get more mileage by telling the truth.

    The reason I'm in college is because my parents want me here. I tried arguing with them over the summer that I didn't want to attend any college. (I hope this doesn't make you feel I'll take your class any less seriously. In fact, if I hadn't attended QCC I would be mainly just be practicing my writing.) My original plan was to build a portfolio of my writing and hopefully find a job working for a magazine or newspaper.

    I feel like my generation is at an awkward time in education. The college degree isn't finding us jobs anymore. Before, if we had a college degree it gave us an extra edge. Now, it isn't even seen as important. All businesses seem to look for is job experience. Even entry level jobs are requiring over three years of experience. Internships seem to impress employers more than an asoociates degree in an unrelated field. QCC doesn't have much for journalism. I don't feel like my Liberal Arts degree will be helping me getting that job in journalism.

    But no one likes having a kid not going to college. Especially since we're immagrants, my parents really want to see me get a degree. That's really the only reason I'm here.

    I don't feel like I have the drive that other students have. Even in high school, if I wasn't interested in a class I would do the bare minimum. I always got good grades in electives and English, but I barely passed math. It never really bothered me though. I've never really seen grades to be important. I never took notes, would do the homework right before class, and basically all the other types of slacking.

    I think my proudest moment in high school was after giving a teacher one of my stories. I was never even taught under her. We just happened to be friends. One day she pulls me out of one of my classes and tells me that my story was one of the best stories she's read from a student. (I hope this doesn't sound like I'm bragging here.) I was really floored to be honest. I still don't like most of my writing. I worked on that story I gave her for almost a month.

    The point is, that was my happiest moment in schooling. It wasn't the As that I received on my finals or anything like that. I don't think I've ever been interested in formal education.

   But now that I'm here I don't want to waste anyone's time, neither mine or yours. I can tell already that I'm going to be interested in your class. I'll be taking it seriously. I feel like I'll be able to learn a lot from it. How well I'll be doing in my Math 99 class I have no idea. Speaking realistically, there's a good chance I wont pass.

    What I want to gain form your class is pretty obvious: knowledge in writing, knowledge about English, and knowledge in the work of other authors. I don't feel like I need to talk about this too much. I'd like a good learning enviroment and all the stuff that is expected in any type of school program. I don't feel like this will be a huge concern and I'm sure you know more about what makes a good learning enviroment than I do. I just expect all the reasonable things that everyone else expects. 

    My goals are to improve myself with everything you are teaching me.  

Camera roll from 308 Franklin Ave in New York, August 13th 2015

 

went sleeping after shrooms about families and Manuel I had a good time with yesterday and I hope they like me
found this thing I wrote:
“friends ask each other out on a date but go alone to put bagels in their pockets”
outside feels like normal I don't even know if I.m on drugs
I hope Things r OK
don't know how to use my phones but they're rly pretty I kind of love them trying not to cry
I'm so funny how all these ppl accumulate saying nice things about me
thought this was messenger lol
roommates saw me w melted chocolate every which one but I'm just trying to be an adult lmao
I think I'm crying but it's good
ugh chocolate smelled everywhere
melted couches e erhwhere
I'm just too smart for them
people are so meaningful l ol or I don't know ow
paul we never talk
I love being friends with every one I'm always meeting
can't rly remember when this started
is this a Google Doc or what
paul i love art
I love myself I come here whenever I'm sad

pretty pls

don't hate me, i'm not airbrush

i'm not clone tool, i'm not lasso

i don't know where i fit like a peg

me, i'm pixelated like a gif

i'm low frame rate and i clip

in convo, u make me high latency

ur afk and i am idk

ur away status i read invisible 

rejected hobart pulp submission c. 2018

i boycotted hobart press on principle in october 2014 when elizabeth ellen published an open letter to the internet, reading her essay a quarter of the way through, skimming the rest, simplifying her sentiments into an idea of victim blaming and leaving a negative comment on social media

it felt good to have ignored this press for 4 yrs, occasionally reading a poem whenever a friend was published but for the most part vocally expressing my opinion of this literary collection of text c. 2001 as “problematic”

i’ve since read ellen’s other writing and enjoyed it without much internal struggle, something that I enjoyed to enjoy given the irreconcilable political differences in the ~10 sentences I read from her yrs prior in what I now think is a somewhat brave article to publish unanonymously given the climate of our mutual social media at the time, for context, I’m writing this some weeks after someone I was peripherally friend’s with on social media has, (I would find enjoyment it calling ironic if these two events didn’t happen yrs apart but hoping I can still find some moral maybe,) called me a rape apologist and told me to “stay the fuck away from their safe spaces,” not something you want to hear but something that may happen from time to time if your opinion differs with someone of privileged socioeconomic class on facebook

anyway, since bud smith is guest editing this month I thought I would give a quick shout out to him: sup bud, thought I’d actually submit something to this thing even though I hate the process of submitting poetry to be slowly peer reviewed

there’s very few presses that I’m actually interested in associating with, and if you’re a poet or writer, I encourage you to feel the same way I do

no one is doing you a favor by publishing you, and you will learn more as a writer by developing relationships w ppl of similar thought and aesthetics as you than you would by getting impersonal publications in a literary magazine that’s over 10 yrs old

weird leftbook fails in community building similarly to how the majority of larger literary magazines have, which seems only natural given similar synthetic hierarchies being imposed on us, and encourage mainly poets to branch out to other communities for artistic support, as well as cultivate personal relationships with one another rather than caring about your projected online brand

like in ellen’s essay, which I’ve reread in full (80%) since beginning this, I relate to feeling like this piece is also losing it’s train of thought but am dissuaded in editing it too heavily given my aforementioned soft-contempt for literary institutions such as this one and am inclined to copy/paste and finish this poem with an unfinished portion of a poem I recently gave up on:

we are the silent majority of a vocal minority

like atheists, born as anarchists

we learn from tumblr posts to expect the harmed to push agendas

i ask those performating their politics online what one nonbinary noise-punk vocalist from bushwick put nicely: "why should I trust you if you have no relevant experience or haven't put in the hours? Why should I care? And why do you get to chastise me and everyone else? What qualifies you to tell your friends what to do?"

haha oh :(

nvm kmsing myself atm
g2g somewhere i never go
inb4 i never go
inb4 i never even try
lol - lots of love 

not me, you

watching, i look at a rain

drop smash the 33°

inclined front car window

from the approaching thunder

it attempting what idk

thinking, that is me

i am like that rain pressed

on the windshield flayed 

in view of others from a storm

i don't nor can remember

poem

 

i'll do with this poem what
i was too scared to do w/ you

but can it change who we are

i'll try to change this world
to how things are and what it's done

i still trouble putting into words
so i will try doing this poem instead

i regret not saving ur pics

now all i have of u is the memory

sticks that u gave me from ur pc

so that i could run GTA V online

without it crashing so much

but it never worked,

i never could join ur server

i'm ignoring world events to write this

btwn 2 oak trees on a mound in a spring summer evening day

me & sally practiced somersaults down the hill like my niece, 

how she used to do on accident when she still couldn't walk

now she's in elementary school and won't return my texts

dimes square

we stopped the car between two

mountain ranges, in a valley

town and parked near the locked gate

of a nature preserve, bypassed some deterrents

and sneaked past the park keeper's trailer

to whisper as far from others as we could

we left reception and saw stars

some distance and time from us

in your phone's light searching

my name to find my star and tell

where i am from but all i really wanted

to know is if what i'm feeling is for real

around riparian willows and cottonwood trees

you waited for results from an unreachable server

while mars, venus, uranus, and i watch in latency

i don't believe what life is like

i don't know what is actually going on
i, looking those eyes at you,
wow just wow

i actually am single but do i love the porch
i, laying here the summer sky, there
eons and eons

i give what i am to you
i, speaking to my windows vista, what i see
my oh my

walking down the street x

walking around thinkin bout u x

holding head and shoulders thinking bout u xoxo

sitting down :)

dirty iced chai in hands and thinks about you x

leaving now thinking about you xxx

interesting be myself 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms i sit on top & think about you know who x

poem

we only have 78 calm winters, 

51 more springs, sometimes i wish i was a moth,

only 2 summers where in minnesota i watched

you supine the tall grass fireflies there then scared by a raccoon

i don't know what they'll say about this, four autumn that i hold my own

hand on life but you briefly were

everything i've imagined tried

come true

concussion poem

crying thinking i'm bad ass
so sleepy zzzz
jk but fuck
can't move or uhh think
like at all

poem forever

 

enter my love do not just go
the world our love is like this
you how you you me and me you
goodbye my life that was past
i greet whoever you are now for me
become already everything you are
that will be what i am to you

drink what nature runs throughout it
move the way you remember yourself
look at your own eyes
don't be prideful that this life is yours
enter this god, you were here before

poem turns to cow

do i come can also
starlight leave me on seen as
12345 particles

they do nothing
while i sit crisscross applesauce
facing you in a baseball field for quiet some time

once the floodlights turn on
shot the perimeters of our bodies with photons
like to be captured on film

embarrassed now and feeling like
two took look too long at one other
i reach for a moooooooooooo

so là là about the thing

i actually accept the reward for people not caring

then when you're my what is going on in my actual real life, you will know i am nothing inb4 you

i’m where yesterday follows today and tomorrow is in the middle

i can never be thrown but i can be caught and things to lose me are always being sought

then i am outside and you are outside, this was a moment for real that was universal

that was when there was my time of thinking about you and wondering things that i was not emotionally prepared

i ask for you now for this that is happening

where i am here where it's me

and i am that what is happening to

you kept what was kept from me my whole life

then over time you give it to someone who i didn't know i was

there was a taste of my life discarded by everyday carelessness

nothing is mine nothing can make me the things i see

star walk

 

i go to star walk
on my phone
the stars there
and the moon
on my screen
it illumes my face
my eyes shoulders
the room behind me
an animal exploring
the windowsills

for most of me is there,
neverending

in what life is this world real

 

i look at the beautiful thing
no one cares

i hold it they think me you
tomorrows it's days

keeps me from here
forever and lost that holds my hand

i am without leaving
instead waiting forever a night

i am not the it of what happened but what did happen was alongside that fact

 

be me in pause of future the happening
of what is occuring moving more beyonder

i am not the it of it along that fact
and it is a truth which is this

unfortunate me you to deal with that
lackluster pleasure of having existence
for no reason that is why i'm ok here

when she shows me her screen

i'm so happy w the meme

having seen it before don't care

i smile the smile welcoming me

doesn't matter i seen already

the meme is really too funny

thanks for showing me

fucked up if true

i don't even know why

why i use the internet?

is this bc i know or

or don't know why

the reason?

there is anything i feel

feeling a lot of the time that's

leaving me without any doubts?

then before after my leaving

will be a cause of alarm

for ecosystems and others?

one true world, the one is true actually

is not an thing tbh but and

as well most of time is not experienced?

this doesn't mean anything and to not think

think to just observe and see

that you don't see and that it's okay?

hhhhhhhhhhhhh

this was the greatest cringe of my life

trivial but it meaning alot  

like v often the ppl around me are what i blame for who i am,

think about dead friends and how they could still be living, not me  

on the internet is a meme hosted on a server in duetschland

i spend a part of myself to read it and just want those seconds back,  

not looking at anything or being anyone

and unlike a variating tool that sleeps and dreams 

i know i'm something in reprieve from this

this all i know but my awareness

it wants to believe to be outside of it somehow

being high is awesome

i'm pretending it's normal, me in the supermarket my friends outside breaking up, it's not — i love you hate me e.g., we sort of are here together

on video chat we look at but

me the park you your room the world in for an absolute fuck

our bickers archived in servers but not what was kept under

planet like gledes deciding

our names/numbers w/o thought at one point in a time of nothing there at all and i was and am seeming around w others lost in somewhat stationary placement

sooo desperate for to happen

something and for to feel like

for someone/anyone to be

and see for what i look like i am

fainting a spell and under sturgeon moon

where thru my backdoor window fallen

leaves flood the backyard, the water reflecting

mfw break up over text from other-side of room

imagining myself there as something else entirely and those, the neighboring fireworks lit your face new light albeit blackout, my inside’s, life, job also fucked i had nothing but also not the moment since that's also gone but i am here still and don’t, eating sunflower seeds, know what, currently thinking about crux, to do

ttm

 

my best friend’s girlfriend who hates me heard from the groupchat about me living in a cell-like room, ghosted by a longterm partner, sleeping on a pile of clothes and bought me an air mattress one morning

barefoot down my walkup that smells like grandparents to where the outside everybody was making little NPC noises to the start of their days, i throw three twenties through her passenger side window, ask her about her plans for the day and she responds smiling, addicted to adderall and i dissociatives

in a dustified borough of america i blow up my bed and look out my window at the question of why love, live life, or anything when god, idk, the pain and fuck of all things, how much of it stays, etc.

humans die and while okay i miss you, also i'm sorry for never repaying for your fare ticket but what this life brought, and what it did to me, while once was happening is still here with me, meanwhile you not

highly caffeinated in my bedroom at 12:25 AM not feeling good, absolute dread reckoning upon us, maybe i'll go on a walk as that is something that god would want, me not sitting in my room masturbating

"i just need to clear my thoughts, i mean head," but then there was a sharp pinging twinge and the sky turned into something it was not, i stepped on dog poop and soca music banged from boomboxes of the neighboring garage where some dads were chilling

"the boy wants a game!" "let 'em play ya, barry!" they sit me down on a plastic chair with the board over an upturned cement bucket, open king's indian to impress with a quick succession, after that i just gave straight forward responses, pawn c3 to discourage the pony, "the boy has him served hot!" "barry’s wondering something," then barry gave a grin and i knew it’s another learning experience

woke up feeling i feel like a total loser today but who cares, no one should need to live or people should have nothing to live for, still i want to fill my life with too many things and see nothing, i eat an apple and feel nothing, it just feels like people too easily forget that this all real for me

i've noticed people always talking in words, birds walking with wings and very domineering energy from this grocer sharing the aisle with me, my obstacle to cat litter but my cat must poop in comfort

did you own one too, watching you be alone and not understanding?

all of these are only moments, just moments, all of it, all these periods of past to get lost in, but none of them are me, really for real me

went over to amara in bleak overcast style, sort of stopped to look at things in the park where i kind of just look at stuff and didn't care about being alive or feel anything then something — it’s all i could imagine, my whole life and everything, could it ever happen?

i don’t know, but every day i wonder

Aug 28, 2018

 

i was walking alone one night in the daylight and with friends

i was feeling bad about how good it felt be alive

a still winds rustles the leaves off dead trees

beautiful imagery not worth describing,

certain things with general qualities

i begin the day by falling asleep

my poetry: criticized for a lack of feeling

losing my faith, i start to believe in God

recent rejection makes me fear future connections w others

my intuition is to resent my environment

idealize embryonic life within vacuum

causation consigned as variables to problematic experiments of growth

smooth and strangely i commit ceaseless seeming amounts of mistakes

publishers and friends ignore my work to their disbenefit

ppl once close now mistake apprehension for intimacy

to allow others to influence my being seems okay, yet bad

being so possessive of one's life

seems fearful to want something that badly not taken away

lol for a writer i am terrible at putting this into words

i have only been able to distinct love through long term,
valuable experiences happening in my periphery

first, i thought nothing i believed matter
now, i believe everything matters

Tweeeeet Tweeet Tweeeet

 originally published on electric cereal (v defunct) nov 25, 2014

shadowbanned from facebook

 

things as of that current moment felt more/less normal — white pedals losing their leaves before AEROPOSTALE fades onto the digital display across the street from me, sitting down for a long period of time and not waiting, enjoyed this period of my life

feeling now what i don't know, like the tree, the wind yes walking through the front gate of where i more or less live, standing on the sidewalk without sleep, now wondering where she is other than late, the sun obstructed by the tree, my head it's way somewhere where god is doing it all while i, small in comparison, also there & intersecting on a similar plane

laughing, it still new, i think about what was sent & feeling not unsure but as if something in me was unlimitedly in buffer, my life, when her car pulls in front of me

“from the passing car i heard the end of something,” speaking to me, the streets filled with taken parking spaces while outside continues the day, “him saying get home safe,” war playing on the radio, “and it was just wild to catch a moment like that,” then i’m noticed, “sorry, you seem to be going through something” "hmm?" "yes, you" "no, can't be" "I'm looking at you right now" "what’s up?" "so are you going to share or is it all under your nose" i touch my face and she says, “low, ride, er, drives a little slower”

waking up i give myself until noon then it’s whatever, i’ll let myself give up again until, when really by myself, i mean with no one reading my thoughts, whoever might care, i’ll still be here for a period of time being read in a voice unlike mine

what’s up with my inner being not being about anything, the moon with the sky undescribed in front of me, focusing for less than some minutes before i turn to a blank stare at nothing type beat, various elements making me up, yes feeling whatever about life ok but still doing something, that to me is everything

cringing so hard i just had to go, “don’t talk about that with me here,” singing it almost and jumping, my torso over the handrail, and watched POV motor vehicles circumventing the intersection, asking, "why god whyyyyyyyy?"

medicining myself before work, i cut myself shaving i’m so late, run out and jump on my 8.5 board over the overpass, blend of fumes entering my lungs, not, for reasons unrelated to my environment, wanting to kill myself and falling on some damn ass crack in the asphalt and literally spin mid air to SOAD, it was so bad a motorcyclist pulls over to give me a thumbs up, my arm bleeding and limping all fucked at my job, “teo, todo buen?” “de nada,” clock in and lie down in the bathroom for five more minutes, putt on my apron and trying to clean the dishes, the new guy didn’t have the heart to tell me

on my way out, just to leave, she took me by the shoulder, spinning me like with no vertigo, motionless there, i shout, “don’t touch me!” “where are you going?” but i was already gone and whispering, “i’m over this” “over what?” “under where?” “leave” “peace,” and the whole day said, “yes” — the trees, there was none, but the pavement okay, full of flaws and i hear my heartbeat here for no reason and i don’t know at the thought of having to find a job again, how long has it been?

i’m high and doing chores around the house i grew up in where some day another little boy or girl might be in my place not knowing what to do and having no idea of who i am, my garments in compartments like future gifts but for who i wonder

touching, the exterior field containing somewhat the summer's breeze, the velvety felt synthetic fibers of another part of me in this territory of wheatgrass which does not mean the same thing to me anymore

March 28, 2020

in my backyard, i imagine, is a micron particle atop the dew. an everyday hello could never bother something of god’s creating like this, but perhaps you, our thinking is enough to perturb it

"hi, how are you?" "mom, chilling. sup?" "well, you know we've been watching the news, and everything." "cool. what’s it saying?" "well, anyone who's been in new york city needs to quarantine, they say." "heard." "yeah, so." i laugh. "whatever you want, mom. i don't have to come." "are you sure?" "you were the one who wanted to pick me up." "i know, but if we go to new york and get sick, then people will, for example: your father, they'll tell him not to go to work." "yeah, i can just stay." "are you sure, theo? i feel so bad." "it's chill. i was going to tell you on the ride home, so i’ll just tell you now, i’m moving to minnesota i guess.” “for how long?” “i don’t know, not long, hopefully.” "talk to your father." "okay." "theo." "hey dad." "you know what they're saying?" "what are they saying?" "they're saying anyone can die from this disease, can you believe that?" "i don’t believe it." "they're shutting everything down, they don't give a fuck." "they’re doing whatever they want," i say. "it's no big deal you're not coming for your brother's birthday," my dad says. "just let him know for me, alright?" "it's no problem, we have the whole world here, the whole time." "i’m not doing anything and neither are you. just stay safe." "i won't get sick, brother, son." "alright, love you dad."

2020 covered in earth tone fabrics vaping synthetic nicotine on my rooftop in brooklyn, ny. heard something like, "this is wild shit," re this evening pm, dust and dander at 30% with rain set to begin in 17 mins. expect cloudy weather from saturday afternoon to sunday evening, followed by a clear night — mars stationary and visible through the crescent moon.

“we are experiencing a high volume of calls. we apologize for the inconvenience. please continue to hold for the next available agent. thank you. please remember in order to qualify for unemployment insurance benefits you must be available to work and ready, willing, and able to seek and accept suitable work. our division of employment and workforce solutions offices can help you find a new job. visit one of these offices to find out what jobs are available in your line of work. these offices also offer workshops on various jobsearch skills including resume writing.” 1 WEEK LATER. “hi, my name is craig. can i start with your social security number?” “uh, uh, 120-01-2420.” “your four digit pin number.” “6969.” “and you are filing for claims because of the,..” he didn’t want to say. “yes, sir. absolutely. and i began this claim online and it instructed me to call, sir.” “are you able and willing to work?” “yes, i am.” “who’s your employer?” “uhm, well it’s stay cool, llc, is uh, who signs my checks.” “stay cool. when’s the last time you worked for stay cool?” “march 11th.” “when was your first day working for stay cool?” “uhm, june 2017. i don’t know, june 19, 2017.” “your employer’s number?” “let me google it, one second…” “alright, theofan, you’re unemployed.” “thank you, and what’s your name?” “my name is craig.” “thank you so much, craig.” “you can file your claim for this week tomorrow, and for next week on sunday. i’m now going to direct you to a message, and it’s going to take you about two minutes to go through, is there anything you need from me, theo?” “no, craig. that’ll be all.” “alright, take care.” “bye-bye.”

seeding an obscure torrent in a tie dye wolf shirt, freebasing 3meopcp from a crack pipe in the clutch while my girlfriend innocently showers, i know it's wrong but it feels so okay, brandon nudges my ankle, he wants to go outside so i turn the doorknob and the dude walks out — god bless him. there comes an end to a life, looking at the tomato sprout under my LED lights, yet somehow this does not affect the whole

poem

 

i never have anything to say,
uhmmm

the weeping birch,
which you dislike,
you showed me proudly

and detailed your future with it,
so happy to be
talking about a plant you just made fun of,

also your roommate,
he did not help in anyway,
sitting there like, well - a loser

but i guess you’ve known him
for some time now,
so i get it

i just wish
he wasn’t here

blah blah blah hehe

there was a period where things were not this way, he temporarily thought in pause while on his back, sun through a window there, then standing off the air mattress with damaged heart, defenseless, meager unemployment insurance, dead to many and in poor credit to others

so these are my days, this is what i've come to expect, go to things, see people, is this just going to be the rest of my life?

invited by a friend to play basketball, he's abruptly ghosted after already on the bus, ‘please don’t invite me to things anymore,’ he texted them and walked home

that night, he used a friend’s door code to enter their apartment building, tiptoed past their door to the roof to gaze at the pitiful amount of stars

he had a way of perceiving things that was very observational in a perceptive kind of way

fuuuck, my gf hates me again, time to smoke weed about it

the next day he's at a bar to pretend to read a book and look out the window and someone who stole $300 from him entered and politely made conversation for a length of time that seemed lonely

he used his laptop to read youtube comments that made him smile and feel relatively okay, then he shut his screen and turned 20° to his right to stare at nothing for half a minute and have an experience

he’s infatuated with the idea that he is somehow alive, walking through a parking lot with his friends, when at a time it was so that he could not sense sunlight, or an awareness of any stimuli in general really, but now it’s all stimuli all the time

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, he thinks, i'm lovin' it

no sun today but everyone out anyway, nothing else to do plus humidity along with the breeze and actually sensitive in the cheeks from having just cried, he felt like electromagnetic and repulsed from all these terrible, awful people who are okay

i can't believe my life, he thinks, i can't believe this thing, i don't know

flowers are not blooming, accidentally thinking about someone then forgetting who and feeling somewhat okay, i guess

la la la i'm just here for no reason, he thinks while thinking about thinking, then going away

already awake today and everything has become fucked up and so i end the day early but then with tomorrow, i don’t know

he was lost and looking for himself and searched the roof but only god was there and he asked, where am i?

he went to her's but no one was there and chilled in her pool, cannonballs a couple miles from the residence of george w bush, wild and not so bad

sitting on the couch with his friends doing horse tranquilizers, they watch a movie and the let the world dissipate

with nothing to do so just more time on the roof, the four of them unemployed and drinking mixed alcohol in a semicircle of varying poses until afternoon was clearly done with them, the sun seemingly at gaze as it started to cut itself along the skyscrapers to their west

“whatever the thing is,” this is the second time kel knocks the water pipe with her calf, “holy shit!” “kelly, the bong is for smoking,” “it keeps getting there,” and with everyone quiet for some time, she adds, “for some reason”

“that’s okay,” martin feels the need to say, “it’s all fine”

“so,” the day at 18:00, “we think it could do or not be whatever it seems like they’re doing, or have been trying to at least” the group is withered on topics up to this point, “and i mean i don’t for real know anything, and even that seems for show at this point”

they organize their accessories onto a pineapple before taking pictures and giving it a name, “look at him! look at him!” kel shouts, “gary’s become alive,” “he’s so cool,” garette, who doesn’t really know anyone there except kel, says though dressing a nonliving thing in some clothes and patronizing it makes him feel insecure

garette stands and walks some distance away from the others who watch the actions of his decision unfold in togethered silence

“this is really something,” martin says

“you fucking robot bitch, fuck you!” brooke was playing the computer at chess again, martin stares at her with open mouthed, white’s rook just took out her backrank checkmate idea and made her queen sacrifice moot

it seemed like forever to them, doing nothing

martin turns to kel and says, towards gary, “there really is a body there, as terrible as it seems”

after a while everyone went home, and he took a trip to somewhere else, where they drove into a valley, parked outside the gate of a national park and looked at the sky

no moon or planets with only the stars sort of there, just a satellite kind of went by, one of around five thousand or so

stop reading my poems

don't bother,

let's just stop here

it's not like you know me,

neither do i

and all these thoughts,

they're things you already know

plus we have nothing in common,

and it's not like i put much effort into this

besides you just wouldn't understand,

i guess you just really had to be there

so don't waste your time,

close the tab

why are you even here,

what do you have to gain?

what are you looking for,

isn't it already there?

i've never thought anything like this before

i have no knowledge, nothing to give to you

but you’re welcome to look through these mistakes,

and find something worth note

i walk around and can't be anything at all,
outside, i feel like, where is my liberty supposed to be?

there’s only wind, leaves, air molecules

attached to god knows what and contrails 

like a demented river in the shape of a V

under all this mess i’ve created

wondrous and robust beauty, love

moved into dangerous situations, like

lotus pedals captured through a digital display

glazed by the waning C of a moon

it was so over, the sun going shhhh,

all my friends basically retarded

from pesticides and inflammation,

this ridiculous society

we don’t get any of the nice things anymore,

just more of the stuff you expect

but the stars are always there, nothing to do

crying and laughing with us

for no reason

it’s all so easy to forget,

then you killed yourself, it makes no sense

you can’t remember anything like that

december 18, 2017

horny, thinking about how there is no god, imagining the cool nihilist kid with sunglasses meme, sun setting behind neighboring apartment building

how is it possible that I have written so much stuff and it’s all so bad, truly incredible, sitting down doing nothing and meanwhile climate change, masturbate halfheartedly to house music

enter uber, text my friend “omw btw I dreamt about this,” get so dead over this snake meme, start tearing up and muffled laughter before driver’s exclamation regarding a nearby car accident

this was in LA at the time, my girlfriend’s parents burst into my house, accuse me of drugging her, actually she was the one who gave me valium, I ask them not to go through her purse out of respect of her privacy, and the father begins physically intimidating me! she’s 23 btw

anyway, I take a flight back to NYC the next day, unemployed and with no housing, I rat sit for a friend vacationing in Europe, take a quick one myself to Philadelphia where a previously online gf breaks up with me and I return to my friend’s rat paralyzed from the waist down

poor thing, defecated on herself, found her under a pile of newspaper bits, crawling from food to water jug, same my sweet dude, same

wake up the next day to my friend’s landlord in his apartment, confusing me for him, where’s the rent, etc. felt flattering to be in that position tbh

what is it about me that i feel the need to share, and why does everyone care so much? there must be something about the way I’m living my life that is intelligent seeming

going to block all of my friends tomorrow

for bunny sitting at their place  my friend gives me ketamine, I write some, listen to Soca and scour Youtube for any livefeed, boxing matches, the moon, puppymills, as long as it was live and not the news I felt more connection to reality

our generation, drug addled and confused, taught under No Child Left Behind, the other tragedy of 2001

this new person im seeing just ghosted me, feel like pure shit just want her back

have extreme anxiety from an intimidating selfie, don't like men at all but anyway, so I'm gay and a furry, just appreciate the style tho can't really afford a suit yet

the internet is so racist, that must mean a lot of people are racist

the current year is 2018 and people are denying asexuals their basic sexual freedom

radicals radicalizing radicals

please paypal me t.thimo@gmail.com

I'm woken up on my friend's couch, mistaken as him by his landlord, flattering to be thought of as in debt

I think only a small portion of what I say and recognize this privilege

stop accepting my applications I can not afford your workshops

I've been avoiding the leaseholder of the place I agreed to move into, can't pay for the first month let alone second, third, last, security and suggested donation, calls and asks if I am sending money

no, i say near a bus, i dont have enough money

well, he says, how much can you pay

none of it

understandable, have a great day

the australian upside down meme was unimaginative petty and racist

trauma based advice in the comments please

even though I write a lot of it down, I don't keep track of most thoughts,

it seems not too many memories are of thinking, though I'm sure I do it a lot

I love the aesthetic of media

I miss the bernstein bears timeline

2018 the year I learn everything causes trauma or cancer

google judy wood dustification free energy

my significant other complains I use my phone too much but likes all my memes

most of irl seems to be troubleshooting

i hate everything i like

anyway, meet someone I know from a secret group and they give me shrooms and make out, it went okay

i spray paint stick figures and meet up with a friend, im remembering while walking past holiday decorations, we lit xmas trees on fire on valium and quickly pace giddy to a nearby bar lol

remember crashing at his place in Oakland, someone drove their car on the BART tracks stranded me Downtown, Uber surcharged 300% and ended up anxiously in cab that just came from oakland back over the bridge, the sky was vaporwave

can't tweet about my relationship anymore, sad reacts only

tbh left very unimpressed with "love trumps hate" slogan

thinking about astrology and personality disorders

didn't realize my perception affected things so much

when someone messaging u becomes upset and starts making more typos lol

forgive me lord for what I must yabba dabba do

oh no left my charger in boe's room now his airbnber wont stop talking about her dog thats an actor but then she lights a menorah and i say, woah ive never seen that before

imagine if this whole thing was in gangster popeye font

what happened to all of lovey banh's books on Amazon

it's something unpredictable but in the end is right, i hope u had the time of ur life

apathetically tossed my phone, focused on rippling feeling in chest, breathing currently feels awkward

law and order dun dun

poem

help me i'm trapped on your screen
help me i'm trapped between the page
help help i'm trapped in the words of your voice

get me out,
break me free,
see me, who i am, for real 

i don't know anything and still i am wrong most of the time

all of a sudden time is nowhere to be seen

and i'm left here with you until i'm gone,

and then you leave

no more stars,

the planets underground

words have no meaning anymore

we give each other images and sounds,

but nothing real and i love you

jkgfdl

wait, what was i doing again?... oh, right *bzzz* what the fuck? *bzzz* someone’s calling me *bzzz* oh my god, why is camille calling me? *bzzz* anyway... *bzzz* oh right, turn off my lights and *bzzz* lock my door so my roommate thinks no one’s home 

*bzzz* new message: “why are you attacking me like this?”

how did this, my life, come to this point? browsing social media late into the night to ambient electronic music... i make myself sick, literally i will die one day and no one will know my name

*bzzz* kucoin alert: “The debt ratio of your margin account has breached the liquidation threshold. The liquidation is triggered.”

RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

poem

how do i blahblahblah

to touch and reach out to you

and to forget and be forgotten

then live forever far away

fkjkdfg

the place was wild with normal, regular seeming people and all staring fluoridated and lying on the ground eating chips. i was lost, i felt stupid, i wanted to die, wondering how to get through into this glass room when an attendant caught my attention from the other side, mouthing “over there,” but all i could wonder about is how she could differentiate me from all these other meandering, lonely souls.

i sit in the computer lab where a quiet looking guy did mindless things on the internet next to me as all of out there, including my life, darkens into some unpleasant place that i am forever going to stay, not one person like me, just sitting here and watching the screen of a stranger for some time openly wondering about him and, idk, it didn't feel weird since mainly i was very depressed and mostly, also very lonely in my head all the time and i never really talked about this with anyone because i thought, “well, since no one has ever helped in the past why would they start now,” and so sitting near this guy seemed fine in so much that it was something happening to me in the present moment.

it feels like i walk around and can never be anything, no matter how hard i try. the whole world seems so fake sometimes, i hate it here and being alive. it's like i'm living someone else's life, and that person is full of sincere emotions and feeling all this stuff all the time with other sincere people, and i’m just twiddling my thumbs the whole time. man, better go outside and try not to think about it.

“where you going?” the guy asks. “i don’t know.” “can you get me something on your way?” “can you give me money?” “sure.” “thanks.” “i just want an arizona.” “okay.”

very nice night tonight, if a little damp. makes me wish i was more like other people, maybe then people wouldn't treat me the way they do. if i was smaller i would sleep inside a cabinet dresser drawer or on my shelf, so I could feel safe and not have to understand anything. then i could look at the whole world from my head and nobody would have to think about me again. 

when i get back to the lab, he’s gone but his screen is still on mohamed atta's wiki page so i assume he’s just in the bathroom or something, and i look out the window, at my community college’s parking lot, and how it’s only 5pm but the sun wants nothing to do with me, and i’m stuck here in this town feeling nothing. “honey green tea is my favorite, thanks.” i turn around, “no problem.”

 

poem

 

mmmm so cozy in my bed, just nothing for miles

a face in my face and most problems inside of them,
caddisflies and gnats somewhere over shrubbery

and for some reason i want to be held, but not by anything real

maybe something fake and perfect,
to separate all the pictures from the real thing

and yet very badly i feel, only to ignore another day

poem

in some ways, sometimes, when alone in the moment's pass, no one's mind catches wind of me, i remain unknown there forever, where that part of me comes in, looks at all the world from my shoes, always waiting

i'm not trying to be edgy

 

but memes, they're all that's real to me
really, without them, it's over

my gf broke up w me
my career removed from the economy
no one cares of who i am, dear lord

i'm just a goal, collecting UI
but between the ads
is my life

poem

 

i just
wanted to say
thankful you, i mean
thank you,

and thanks
for everything,

and i'm sorry

fkdhgk

the train stops at penn and i'm looking around for my juul, under the seats, turn on my phone light, a jewish woman sitting across from me watches to judge momentarily before i'm the last one on there. an attendant begins his duties and i don't bother anymore, take the escalator without nicotine to the newly renovated moynihan hall where a giant clock tells the time to no one except two soldiers and sleeping homeless. i walk towards the ACE while avoiding the soldiers who become interested in my behavior but when i acknowledged their interest in me they just turned away. good to know that even if i was a terrorist, no one could manage holding eye contact with me long enough to stop me.

when i get to the turnstile, there's no one at the ticketbooth so obviously i jumped the thing and waited for the train next to some lady who did not feel comfortable with me being near her and walked further down the platform. mostly i was surprised and interested by it since i did not notice until after the fact. how often does it happen, i wonder, people's opinion of you changing and you don't even know who they are, how often, everyday?

the E arrives but the train conductor tells me that it's not actually taking the E, and i better catch the bus upstairs. "i'm good with that, thanks," i tell him, since it was only a 20 min walk anyway. first thing i do when i reach surface is go towards the nearest smoke shop. "yo, yo, yo, let me talk to you." "i don't have any money" "i don't want your money, what the fuck?" "oh yeah, man? i still don't have any money so how about that?" i say before walking into the smoke shop, but this dude actually follows me inside. 

"listen motherfucker, you gotta do me something, alright? you gotta help me man, look at my fucking shoes, dog. look at them! i'm homeless, i need shoes." the shop's management, all bangladeshi, are freaking out. "get out, you fool! get out!" "do not give this man a dime, he comes in here asking all the time." i'm like, "i don't think they sell shoes here, my dude." "just give me 10 dollars or something." "i have no money, man." "i see you about to buy some shit!" i show him my wallet which is totally empty except my debit card encrusted with ketamine residue. "credit cards, man," that's all i can think to say. "then buy me some shit then motherfucker!" "do not give this man a penny, he will never leave." "he's here all the time, sir, do not give him anything."

i'm like, "man, what do you want?" he starts looking around the place, "like a gatorade or something." "pick your flavor." "fuck gatorade," he says, "give me a 4loko, i just need it, i need to think straight." "they don't sell 4loko here." "i know they do." 'no," the cashier says, "we don't." "then a gatorade, and fuck it one of them e-cigarette shits." the man leaves the store to allow me to make my purchase and as the cashier rings out the man's items he tells me. "it's not good, he's not a good man." "right, right. i guess i'm enabling him tonight." the cashier gives me a deal on a few things and when i go out i see the dude harassing some new people. "hey," i go, "check it out." i hand him the items. "ah shit what about the e-cig, oh wait, oh shit, fuck yes. yo, so can i ask you one more thing?" i'm like, "what, dude?" he goes, "mmmmm," and starts to sing, "la la la la, hey ohhh ohhh, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmmm"

i didn't realize i was looking at something beautiful

however u may come upon these words,

know a soft pinecone waits under the firmament of snow 

a person similar to you eats the honeycomb,

drinks catnip

sits and listens to the little nothing in her room,

praying so god won't get lonely

there is a lot i've kept out, or decided to change

but it doesn't really matter

instead of sharing memes, just imagine

i will finish this poem later

bunny sitting

    

   scrolling the feed but more just looking past it, staring blankly past the phone as their index finger barely touches the screen, flicking away pitifully at all it's pixels. "just faces of people who don't really know me," naomi thinks before kind of walking from bedroom to kitchen, pausing for a moment in the hallway, then turning towards the bathroom to stand under the door frame, holding a glass of water, leaving pieces wherever they go, "in a town i'm not from, taking care of a bunny who doesn't care if i live or die, like everything else in this fucked up world.”

    the bunny comes out.

    “what is it? what could you want?” but biscuit doesn’t say anything, just gets mad and hits naomi’s ankle with the front of it's head before hopping out of the room.

    “i’ve been slain,” naomi falls like it’s the final act, “my achilles heel,” lying on the bathroom floor and thinking about being here, “everything.”

    it’s been so long since leaving the apartment that it doesn’t feel okay being outside, naomi feels an underlying anxiety about it. “walking around, just snow everywhere, covering everything, and i feel alone here like no one could understand me or something. just the tops of houses with snow on them, and i'm sitting eye level with a few of them and looking at my shoes on the side of the curb where i don't know what i think, or how come i don't like people or care about anything? am i made wrong, or was i fucked up at some point?” next to an old building, naomi hears some orchestra practicing or something. she stands there for a while and just listens to them tune their instruments and feels like they’re going to get in trouble so they left, and went to PetCo, where the pets go.

    “your card is declined,” the cashier tells naomi, “do you have another card?” “oh, can you try again?” “okay.” “thanks.” “declined.” “let me see if i have any cash.” “take your time.” naomi looks around in their wallet. “do you want me to try the card again?” the cashier asks. “could you?” “declined.” “you know what i think it is?” naomi says. “what?” “i think there’s no money in my account right now.” “oh yeah, that’ll do it.” “can i come back and pay for it later? this bunny needs to be constantly eating hay or it wont be able to shit all over the apartment.” “Lady, this is a PetCo. i’m not spotting your hay. why don’t you go to a local pet place? there’s like a dozen all around here.” “okay, thank you.” “put the hay back, will you?” “sure.” “thanks.” “no problem.”

    “hi, do you guys have any hay.” “we sure do. for a bunny?” “does it make a difference?” “it could, but not here.” “okay.” “here, let me go get it for you.” the old man walks through a curtain in the back. “thank you.” he reenters. “here it is, last one.” “thanks.” he rings naomi up. “that’ll be $7.46 with tax.” “can i pay you back tomorrow when i get my paycheck?” “oh sure, that’s not a problem. you’re all ran out at home? i know how these bunnies can get through these things, you know i used to have one myself.” “thanks so much, bye.” “see you.”

    naomi gets home and crawls into fetal position to lofi hip-hop chill beats to study/relax to playing in the background and tries not to think about any of what happened that day, but it was all too hard and they started venting to themselves unfairly with feelings they weren’t so sure of. soon though the focus they lacked, all of it was gone. they could think, for the first time, for a long time and many things started to come to them, then naomi didn't know it could go away and so it sort of felt like it was normal, unemployment comes tomorrow and another week will pass where they’ll be alright.

    the next few days naomi stayed up taking ritalin every 6 hrs, reading 9/11 conspiracies and using their friend’s projector to display the world trade center attacks on the wall, for days the lofi hip hop livestream played through it’s playlist, and only a few times did naomi notice a song repeat. a friend came over and they did research chemicals together before they both fell asleep on the floor, when naomi woke up their friend had left.

    “thanks for taking care of biscuits,” naomi’s friend comes back tired from their trip and doesn’t want naomi there. “no problem,” says naomi, “i guess i was on my way out.” “bye.” “goodbye.” naomi looks at the ground, “goodbye biscuits, wherever you are.” biscuits jumps from underneath the couch, and runs around in many circles in a short period of time.

    “I look at stuff, it doesn't make me feel anything,” naomi thinks, walking down the street. “I can imagine anything else, my whole life and everything, but could it ever happen?”

    “hey, ma’am, you!” “oh, haha, hey.” “what happened about you coming tomorrow, that was two days ago.” “you know, i totally forgot about it until just now.” “you owe me money, i took your word you’d be back.” “i’ll make it up to you.” “don’t do anything, you know, you people.” “let me pay you, man.” “alright, come inside.” “do you have any sodas or like, kombucha?”